Choosing Vulnerability over Stigma
- Samantha
- May 27, 2018
- 6 min read
May is mental health awareness month. With it brings the opportunity to reduce the stigma around mental illness. We can choose to reduce this stigma by
choosing vulnerability in our own lives and relationships. Let's get this out there first and foremost - everyone is affected by mental illness in some way. It can be affecting you because of your own struggles, those of a family member or friend, a coworker, an acquaintance. It is affecting you whether that person you know is getting help or not getting help; whether they have a diagnosis or not. Mental illness does not see race, gender, socioeconomic status, or political party.* For some it comes in adolescence, for others in older adulthood. The fact is at some point you or someone you know will be impacted. So let's stop being so scared of talking about it.
Mental illness is due to chemical changes in your body, much like any other diagnosis is. A couple of years ago, I was asked if I was embarrassed about needing medication for my Depression. I said something along the lines of, "No. I don't see why I would be. Would you ask me the same if I had diabetes and needed insulin because of a chemical imbalance?" It took me many years, but I have no shame in my experience. My hope is that others can reach that point as well.
I was first diagnosed with Depression in my senior year of high school but looking back, I was first experiencing some symptoms towards the end of middle school. In my experience living with Depression there have been many lessons, some of which reappeared many times before I was ready to learn them.
There are certain stigmas that I think were most toxic for me in my path to finding wellness. Today I choose vulnerability and share some of those experiences with you.
Sometimes it's the "good student"/"happy friend" that isn't okay:
We hear stereotypes about grades slipping, skipping class, etc. To prove to myself and everyone around me that I was okay, I did the opposite. I threw myself at my school work to avoid what was going on in my mind. It was a way to cope because when I was obsessing over school work, it left my mind with less opportunity to wander to places that felt unsafe. There were teachers that I told about what was going on for me and they, in many ways, got me through high school in one piece. The first teacher I didn't tell that approached me to see if I needed help was not until my senior year of college.
This also echoed in my relationships. Those who were close to me often knew I was struggling to an extent, but those acquaintance-type relationships were really easy for me to fake. I was an expert at smiling, hugging, joking, etc. when I wanted to be. It was exhausting but I could usually put on a pretty good show. When I did tell someone for the first time they were often shocked, they said "you're kidding, you have everything together." Whether I knew it or not, many of those conversations were a cry for help. The lesson here is to listen to those asking for help and believe them when they say they are struggling. A lot of the time the outside reality does not meet the perception of what someone with mental illness should look like
Depression does not always come about because something bad happened (AKA someone with Depression isn't just sad or having a bad day):
Mental illness can be a product of many things. Events in one's life can absolutely be part of that but it's important to note that it is not the only factor. Mental illness is similar to other diagnoses in that it does not have only one source. Take cancer for example: you can get cancer because you smoke, it can be hereditary, or through seemingly random uncontrolled cell division in your body that no one can explain "why you." Like many others impacted with mental illness, my Depression came about because of a combination of many factors. I had some challenging events at a young age to cope with, a genetic pre-disposition, and chemical changes in my brain that may have been unrelated to either of those.
One thing that I used to do is hold on so tightly to hard things that happened in my past and use them as a way to make sense of my emotions. I wanted an excuse for my thoughts because I thought that would make them justified and I would feel purpose behind my pain. This worked for me for a really long time. I was in high school, there was enough challenge in my day to day life that I thought something external was the only thing contributing to my internal turmoil. This was problematic because I was often choosing to not heal old wounds because they were a security blanket to me. I didn't learn to cope with anything.
In my senior year of college, I was in an incredible OT program, had great friends, a good relationship with my family, etc. I was thriving externally, so there was nothing to blame. I was on a medication that had been working for me for almost four years. I was also afraid to drive some days because I had urges to drive off the road. I was crying daily. I would do my school work and avoid everyone else. That may have been the moment I finally reconciled with my Depression as it relates to hormone levels and body chemistry. This recognition was a turning point for me in reclaiming my wellness and the fact that mental health may be an effortful endeavor.
Someone with mental illness can find mental health:
When I was diagnosed with Depression and put on medication, I figured I would be on medication for my whole life and struggle, to some extent, indefinitely. I (proudly) defined myself as someone who was a survivor but felt that I would always be in a battle of sorts.
After grad school I took a job on the other side of the country from my family. When I moved, I found a new psychiatrist. He asked me if I ever thought about coming off medication and at first I wanted to laugh at him. And then he said this, "as an OT I'm sure you've learned about neuroplasticity (our brains' ability to form new connections/pathways)"...*I nod yes*..."Well, if you talk about it to clients, why don't you think its possible with you?" He was basically challenging me to re-train my brain. So I worked at it. For the first time in my life I really evaluated my coping strategies, understood my own triggers, and worked mindfulness into everyday.
Once I felt secure in my mental health practices and with my doctor in agreement, we started to very slowly scale back on my medication. I wanted to be safe and vigilant because, like in other health conditions, not everyone can safely come off medication. I told my closest friends so that they would also be aware and hold me accountable if they saw me repeating old patterns. It took me 18 months to come off my medication and I have now been off of it for well over a year. It has not been perfect and I still consider myself to be someone who lives with mental health challenges. However, I proved to myself that I can find wellness despite mental illness.
Mental health is something I work towards everyday. It is effortful for me and I am no stranger to feelings of anxiety and depression. In many ways, I think that makes me more able to be an empathetic in my personal and professional roles. As someone who has lived with Depression, I ask this of each of you:
Together, we can save the lives of millions who are affected by mental illness each day.
*Though mental health does not discriminate - access to mental health care is extremely disproportionate. If you are unsure how to support those with mental illness throughout the country, please consider donating to or volunteering at organizations that provide mental health care to marginalized and low-income groups in your area. Not sure how to find one? Send me a message and I will help you look!
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