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The Search for Social Wellness


My self-care journey would not be possible without people in my life that continuously inspire me and hold me accountable. Self-care is something you definitely must choose for yourself. That being said, it is a heck of a lot easier when you choose to go on this journey with people by your side.

There is the saying "no man is an island" that I'm sure we've all heard a million times...but what does that actually mean to you? To me it means that we set ourselves up to thrive when we connect with others. In my first blog post about the six dimensions of wellness, I talked a bit about social wellness. In my experience, social wellness had always been the most challenging part of wellness. A lot of it had to do with the constant dissonance I felt in who I was and who I thought I was supposed to be at any specific stage of life. I felt like I was always walking a tight rope between honoring myself and pleasing others. A lot of this came from my own challenges with self doubt and self worth. I was trying to make the parts of me that felt so different than others unnoticeable. I strived to become who I thought others wanted me to be rather than who I wanted to be. This took me a really long time to admit to myself. When I finally did, my whole approach to social wellness and relationships shifted. I started to be aware of what I need in different moments from the people in my life. I learned to seek relationships that are meaningful and empower me to be my best self. How did I do it? I started asking myself a couple of tough questions. I want to challenge each of you to ask them as well.

Honoring what you need: How do you recharge?

When you are feeling down or stressed, do you need alone time to reset or does it help you to be around people in those moments? For me it kind of depends on the situation, and that's okay too!

As a healthcare provider, I spend my work day around a lot of people...interacting constantly. It is highly stimulating and very social. It is also exhausting. I've found if I need to recharge from a work-related stress, I need alone time. Sometimes that means making sure that I don't have a week filled with plans everyday after work because that is not sustainable for me. Sometimes that means eating lunch by myself or going into a quiet room for 5 minutes in the middle of the work day. I've mentioned a few times in this blog that I take a 15 minute walk everyday after work. That is time that I can be alone with my thoughts and reflections. I can recharge.

In my personal life, if there is something stressful going on and I try to recharge alone, it turns into unhealthy isolation. In those cases, I do best seeking out company from a small amount of people that I trust and love. In certain moments when I don't want to talk about what is happening yet, it helps me to just be in the presence of someone and not speak at all. This usually translates to sitting in a coffee shop and working on separate projects, watching a movie, etc.

There are no situations that I do well if trying to recharge around large amounts of people or people I do not know. Though I am a fairly social and outgoing person, social anxiety creeps up for me pretty regularly. The day I admitted that to myself changed my life because I finally accepted that I can be a person who loves to get to know people and have social anxiety. Also, giving myself permission to be honest with myself and others about what I need and when I need it has been a healthy change for me. Sometimes you just have to say "hey, thanks for the invite but that just doesn't work for me right now."

How do you start honoring what you need? Check in and be honest with yourself. When you go through challenging moments, ask yourself what feels healing to you. This is different than pushing yourself through an experience you think you "should" do, avoiding whatever is coming up in your life, and/or wallowing in challenges. Be mindful of that. Honoring what you need should leave you on the path to feeling refreshed and recharged.

Finding your community: What are the values of the people I want in my life?

Community can take many forms. It can be people you see and speak to regularly or rarely. You can have a huge group of people in your life or a select few. Many of the specifics do not matter much. My own community is comprised of people near and far, some I talk to weekly and others I can go months without speaking to. What matters is the qualities and interactions that the community brings to your life.

When I most recently moved to Pennsylvania I had a total of four acquaintances, two of which were moving to Seattle a month later. It was lonely and so challenging. I had my friends in other parts of the country that supported me through phone calls and text messages, but as I explained, I need in-person human connection to feel at my best. At that point, I made a list of the values I have that I wanted to find in the people who would become my Pittsburgh family. I found that paper recently. These are the things I wrote down...

In Pittsburgh, I want to meet people who:

- like to sit in coffee shops and can show me the cool ones I haven't found yet

- want to make the world better

- can be silly and can be serious

- have something they believe in

- hold me accountable (AKA call me out on my bullsh*t!)

- listen without judgment

- give solutions when that is what I am seeking

- value quality time spent together

- laugh a lot

I have to say, I did a stellar job at finding people who meet every criteria. I felt like writing it down gave me clarity, as writing usually does. I set an intention to create relationships that would require me to be my best self when present. It lit a fire under me to go out and meet people that would probably align with what I was looking for. I joined local communities, explored yoga studios, and made an effort. It got out me out of my apartment and out of my funk.

Communities can be formal or informal, small or large. Relationships can take a million different forms. What is important is the connection and the values of the people involved. My homework for you is to write down what you most value in a relationship or community (or just think about it if you hate writing). Think about the relationships you want to nurture and who you want to be part of your wellness journey. Tell those people how you feel and grow together. It's a beautiful experience, I promise!

Love + Gratitude,

Samantha

PS - If you're a healthcare provider and interested in joining an online community to support self care practices for those who work healthcare to improve work life balance, quality of life, and to reduce burn out...check THIS out!

PPS - Special thanks to my friend, Kellie, who I reconnected with recently and she unknowingly helped me make sense of the topic I've been trying to finish writing about for 2 weeks.

 
 
 

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©2018 by Self Care Self Love.

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